HOW MANY CHRISTIANS?

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1. How many Charismatic does it take to change a light bulb? (Ten) One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

 

2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

 

3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Change???

 

4. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

 

5. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

 

6. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

 

7. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

 

8. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles.

 

9. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

 

10. How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

 

11. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. "

 

12. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? "What's a light bulb?"

 

13. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb? Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

 

14. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

 

You are going to love hell!

 

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he
stands in the processing line
waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I
led a wild life but I wasn't that
bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is
his turn to be processed into
hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to
drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up
a storm. You can have
whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We
party all night long. You'll
love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to
smoke the finest cigars
and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's
desire without worrying about
cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going
to love Tuesdays. Do you
do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can
experiment with any drug you
want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because
you are already dead.
You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and
night -- black jack, craps,
poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are
you gay?

Guy: Well, no I'm not.

Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're going to hate Fridays...

 

THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE

 

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -
Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one
and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost
you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven
years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's
right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get
his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain
(Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -
Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I
have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question
your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -
Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons,
though). - David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a
good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus,
example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1
Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

 

Jokes

A young girl once confessed to her priest that she thought she was guilty of the sin of pride. She said, "When I look in the mirror, I think I am beautiful." The priest said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake."
 

http://jokes.christianpost.com/all-jokes/3.htm More jokes at this site.

 

Christian Pick Up Lines

1. Nice bible"
      2. "I would like to pray with you"
      3. "You know Jesus? Me too!"
      4. "God told me to come talk to you"
      5. "I know a church where we could go and talk"
      6. "How about a hug, sister?"
      7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."
      8. "Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!"
      9. "Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11"
      10. "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"
      11. "What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?"
      12. "I am here for you."
      13. "The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," So...how about dinner?"
      14. "You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither."
      15. "You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?"
      16. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"
      17. "Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?"
      18. "Nice bracelet. 'What would Jesus date? Uh, I mean *do*'"
      19. "Do you believe in Divine appointment?"
      20. "Have you ever tried praying at a drive in before?"
      21. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."
      22. "My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah that's his name."
      23. "You know, they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian."
      24. "Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath."
      25. "What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace by candle light."
      26. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?"
      27. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa."
      28. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism."
      29. "I'm pretty flexible - I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date."
      30. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."
      31. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."
      32. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."

 

 

Christian Joke links

friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
      
      The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
      
      My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
      
      He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Revival

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
                The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

Life After Death
o you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Oh, well that's okay then!" said the boss. "Because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Church/
http://www.christian-jokes.org/jokes30.html
http://www.praize.com/jokes/
http://louisvilleemmaus.com/jokes2.html